siren

hello, friend

it’s been a while

guess you have some catching up to do

things have been mostly the same, still going for my walks, still thinking about my life, how I fit in it, what shape the hole inside of me is.

it’s getting smaller I think

maybe it’s just getting less blurry

I’ve been thinking about what I want again

who I want to be

I’m excited

I feel confident, I feel so good about myself, about my body, about my journey.

but I’m worried

what if I’m not a good person

what if I’m no more than a siren

a pretty creature, sitting upon her rock

whispering sweet nothings into your ears

giving you tunnel vision

steering your ship into my shore

into the sharp rocks

I don’t know how to talk without using my heart, without getting blood on your shirt.

I’ve been thinking about how people travel through your life, how I want it to look when I travel through others.

i want to be something pretty, something that inspires, someone that inspires.

that brings people to do things, to be things, to want things.

but I’m worried.

I’m worried that I’m the blown out end of a brass casing, speeding towards you, bringing that sweet moment of bliss before it all goes black.

the entry is always the same, smooth, warm, surprising.

but the exit wound is always bigger

the hole it leaves is always bigger

I don’t want to be a bullet

I don’t want, to be a siren

I want to be the morning dew on the grass

I want to be the warmth you feel when you escape from the cold

I want to be something

someone

but I suppose that roses, have thorns

maybe I’m only meant to be admired

maybe I should be content in my garden

find my own fertiliser

will you still hold me

even if it hurts